Day 158..#My Apology..

First and foremost, I would like to apologise to all of you!

This period (however long it has been..seems like it’s spanned for aaaages) has been a rough one for me..and I know, we all have rough and tumble days..but it’s how you deal with them that speaks of the kind of person you are I’ve always thought.

So, instead of dealing with things, I found myself reverting back to what I used to do. Run. Ignore. Pretend the problem/issue wasn’t there and miraculously hoped that it “faded away.”

No such luck unfortunately.

Every day I found was worst than the next and I felt myself just regressing into this weird “shell” of a person.

I still tried to be happy and smiley..but more often-times than not, I would just be angry for no reason..or annoyed..frustrated..impatient. It was not like me at all..I had to get it all out of my system..but I was at a loss as to how I would do that.

I had no drive.

I felt the need to study and I also felt the need to do nothing at the same time. I chose the latter..I’d stay in my room..not studying like I should be but surfing the internet..or sleeping..things that when I look at now..I can’t even explain why..

 

Two nights or so ago..A friend talked me into going for some dinner. Just round the corner from where I lived..we went and sat down I started talking.

Everything came out. There were tears..there was laughter..disbelief..shock..but most of all relief.

I think..with so much just sitting on me..in my mind..the studying..the issues I’d been dealing with..everything had come to a head and I didn’t feel like I was strong enough to deal with it on my own.

I completely forgot I wasn’t on my own.

Cast your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you.” (Psalm 55:22,a)

In that moment, that everything is just so overwhelming..you cry, you are fed up and you give up. But you don’t have to..I didn’t have to..God is here..He’s always here..and He never leaves.

After talking to my friend about everything that was happening in my head..I wrote a lot of things down and realised..as I often do after the fact..that God puts us and places us in situations where we need to call on Him to help and not think we can do everything on our own.

I always say this and as I do usually always forget in times of trouble that: “God never gives us more than we can bear..”

 

Now as you guys are, I am also human..please forgive me for neglecting you this week.

Music has been helpful to me..but it’s when you turn off the music and your thoughts take over the silence that you realise that you are hiding..running from yourself..

 

I am on the mend. I had a good day today..(aside from the crazy birds nest that became my hair..but that’s an issue for another day!) I even finished the studying that I was supposed to do and quite proudly gave myself a pat on my back for my efforts..

I made myself lunch..then dinner..part washing my hair in-between..and now I have to get back to finishing that!

 

I hope you have all had a wonderful day..

The only way I can really go now (again!) is up I guess!

 

Blessings x

 

Ooh..And I just want to say thanks again to my friend (he knows who he is) for sitting with me and just listening. You have no idea how much I appreciate it..You are phenomenal (even though I know you will probably disagree!)

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~ by originalapplejunkie on June 6, 2012.

14 Responses to “Day 158..#My Apology..”

  1. i get this way too. maybe not with studying but with Al. some days i would like to run and hide. away from him, the television, and people. i like to run from people so they don’t get to see the suffering i am enduring. i want everyone to think i am this always together person, then along comes God, and knocks at my heart, and he shows me he is there. i pour my heart out and the tears flo, and then for some time i am better. blogging has really helped me because i am able to say what i am thinking and yet no one sees me. i can tell you my pains and my feelings of lonliness and sorrow, and yet no one knows me. why i feel like i have hide behind my mask is still a mystery to me

    • I think we do it because to us it’s what we know..it’s our “safe” spot..anything outside of that and we feel exposed..and that feeling is also something that possibly comes along with fear..so we hide behind a mask because we feel that this is how we think people should see us and forsake who we actually are..but then I say this thinking about myself..I am in no way generalising..unless of course it does apply.
      It’s not just studying..that on it’s own is fine..it was everything else..the people I’m living with, getting bad news..things outside of my control that kind of sort of have me feeling helpless..so I just thought..block it out..which is terrible I know.
      The thing is Terry, we can’t always be this “always together person”..life happens..and like you said..God happens and the plans He has for us are so much bigger than what we see for ourselves..pouring hearts out (even just to Him) and letting tears flow can be good for the system..
      God knows who we are behind that mask..He created us after all..and He wants us to live a life to love Him and he will be our comforter..our friend..our provider..our healer..but I sometimes forget this and try and do everything on my own which is where the problems begin..
      I hope you and Al are doing well..it’s been a while since I’ve received a post from you.. =)

  2. Chin up buddy. To cheer yourself up why don’t you do what I do? Try something just a little bit wrong to get the old adrenaline pumping. Chew up something you shouldn’t: furniture, shoes, newspaper etc. Or maybe widdle somewhere you know you shouldn’t then run away as fast as you can; or best of all have a good fight – not a real fight of course, a play fight….hurray!!!!! If I was with you now I’d fight on your side and we’d win – two falls and a submission.
    Remember, whatever else seems wrong, Bones will always be your pal.

    • loooooooooool..widdle somewhere I shouldn’t then run away as fast as I can..loool!
      Thanks Bones..you always know how to make me laugh! I really do appreciate it!! 😛
      *hugs*

  3. No apology necessary. You turn out to be as normal as everyone of us, glad to hear it and glad you had a friend to help. I have been in bad places and generally facing things and getting through them (shortest route in the end) solves it, its just realising this has to be done can be difficult. Good for you in getting on with the study – once done, its no load to you. Your post was enjoyed because it came across as sincere and well thought out. That and the possibility of a good ending is something I always like to see.

    • Thank you!
      As I’m trying to get back to “normal” everything seems to be much better..and it’s only really been..a day..but you can tell the difference 🙂
      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  4. I’m glad you were able to talk things through with your friend – I can understand the relief that you must have felt. Sometimes life really gets on top of us. I often just need my own space. Music is the thing that really gets me through it. My man is also very good about listening to my woes… I must drive him crazy!

    Tomorrow is another day – and almost the weekend. Maybe you should go and take that trip to the zoo a few days early… 🙂

    • I’m usually so scared to talk about myself to other people because I don’t trust people with information about me because I’m scared that they will “share” things I’ve told her..but this needed to come out!
      I am actually going somewhere nice Saturday evening that I’m looking forward to 🙂

  5. Thank God that he sent you a friend when you needed one most to get it all out of you! There is a reason the Lord is our greatest friend, because he always wants to hear our tears, our fears, and our frustrations.

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