Day Twenty-Five..#This Too Will Pass

So today..I have to say has been one of the worst days I have had for the longest while..

I woke up this morning and realised that I didn’t dream..which is incredibly weird for me..because I dream every night. Every. Single. Night. I’m not even joking.

Got up..got dressed..went into University to study..

I wasn’t really feeling up to it if I’m being really honest..but when it comes to my studies..I really don’t play. So I went into school and sat in my usual spot.

About an hour..an hour and a half after I sit down I get an email from one of my lectures basically saying that my grade had been revoked and a new one had been given to me for a reason which I could not understand. I immediately went onto the online directory to check my grades again..I scrolled down..and it said FAIL – 7.

My heart started racing..I didn’t know what to do..I could feel my chest getting tighter and my breathing becoming increasingly shallow..I was having another anxiety attack..my 3rd in two days..I didn’t know what to do..then the tears started coming..

I had so many questions..why had my grade changed? What was the new development? How is that allowed? Is it possible? You know..random questions..but not so random that they didn’t need to be answered!

At the time my anxiety attack started, I was sitting at my PC, then my phone rang..it was my house mate asking me what was the matter..I couldn’t talk..well I could..but I was trying to focus on breathing..then I had to get up..and I ran to the bathroom..blubbering down the phone I managed to blurt out everything that I thought was wrong with the world and then some..and I slowly started calming down.

My head was pounding, my breathing shallow, my face paler than most and my nose and eyes bright red from the 40 minute crying session that had just ensued.

I sat in the toilet cubicle long after the phone call ended, attempting to compose myself before I went back out into a public space where I knew people would be looking at me and wondering whether to ask if I was okay or not..I felt I couldn’t respond without bursting into tears again so I stayed and made sure I was calm before getting up.

*Haven’t cried like this in more than a year..sigh*

I then went to go and see a lecturer of mine who I hoped would help me explain some of what I was working on towards my exam. I knocked on the door and was ushered into the office and the first thing he said to me was “Why the long face? Are you okay?”

I managed to muster up a “yes” without my voice breaking and I kept my eyes fixed on my work as to not start the water works..again..in front of two other people.

Focusing on something else assisted in me getting my mind off everything which was also nothing and eventually *during the course of the meeting* I started feeling a little bit better.

 

I walked back to the Computer Lab feeling okay..rushing the hours away as I just wanted this day to be over.

Now nine minutes left, I smile because I know everyone has bad days..and the fact that it’s almost over is extremely comforting..I can put this day behind me and look forward to tomorrow morning being a brand new day.

So yeah..I guess I’m okay now..and I’m so thankful for the many people that checked up on me and made me feel a little better even though at the time it felt like my world was going to end..

*okay..dramatic..but we’ve been here before haven’t we..?!*

 

Goodnight..praying tomorrow will be better..

x

 

~ by originalapplejunkie on January 25, 2012.