Day Nineteen..#Alone

I haven’t been able to sleep..at all.

Been up..just thinking.

 

My best friend died in 2008..and after it happened..it took me almost a year before I could physically talk about it..

A lot of people don’t know about this..but the ones that did really helped me through an incredibly difficult time.

But today isn’t a sad day..I’m smiling..

Today would’ve been his 23rd birthday..and although I miss him a lot, I believe there is a reason everything happens in life.

Appreciate the people you have in your life..don’t hold grudges..love unconditionally..always..smile..

 

I wrote the piece below on August 19th 2009..It’s very personal to me and hasn’t been shared with a lot of people..things have changed since that time..and I thank God that I’ve come to terms with everything that has happened..when I wrote “Alone”..I was in a very dark place..a very broken person..but God helped me through..It’s a little sad..but I can definitely say even though I went through what I did..It eventually made me stronger.

So today..is going to be a tribute to my best friend and confidant..You were such an amazing person..and not a day goes by where I forget that.. 🙂

Already Resting In Perfect Peace..
Sunrise: January 19th 1989 – Sunset: December 30th 2008

Happy 23rd Birthday xx

 

ALONE

Alone
I sit thinking
If I could see you one more time
What would I say
I’m writing the lyrics to the new soundtrack of my life
But there’s one note missing
I try not to cry
I try not to think about what’s been lost
But trying doesn’t get me too far
I lie awake sometimes just thinking
I never thought this day would come
Not now anyway
Everything’s changed
I’ve changed
There are so many things I wana say
Things that I wana say that you probably already knew
I miss so many things about you
The way you smiled
The way we talked
The way we laughed
The way you looked at me…you were special
I know you didn’t wana leave me, but you had no choice
It’s taken me a while to do this
Because the last year has been pretty hard to take
The thought of you being here one day
And not being here the next
It hurts me more than you could even imagine
It’s scary that sometimes I think I could forget you
But the more I think that, the more I remember the little things you used to do
Every time I hear our song…I cry
Every time I think I’ve lost a memory, it always forces me to recall ones I never knew I even had
I never knew I could hurt like this
I don’t blame you for leaving me
But you have
You’ve left me alone and sometimes the pain of that is too much
It’s hard for me cause I have no one to talk to
No one understands me like you do
I feel down at times
Because all I can do is miss you
Things will never be the same without you
It hurts to look at pictures of us
‘Cause I feel guilty
I smile and believe I shouldn’t be
I laugh as I reminisce the yesterdays
And I cry as I realise they’ll be no more tomorrows
I’m getting used to being ignored
Being alone has become part of me
The different me
Not on purpose, but just because
I try my hardest to act normal
But I don’t remember how
Letting you go has been hard
That’s why I haven’t just yet
Because I can’t
No one can make you feel inadequate without your permission
That was our thing
No one could ever make us feel bad because we had the belief everyone was good
No one could ever make us feel bad because we had each other
That’s all that really mattered
Sometimes I wonder if you had another chance…
…If we had our moment one last time
Would you do anything or say anything different
Would you change who you were
To be who someone else wanted you to be
Or what someone else wanted you to be
What’s happened can’t be changed
And my broken heart is yet to be heal
I try and believe that life goes on
And that’s the philosophy I’ve lived with since that day
Everything happens for a reason
Reasons that at the time we may not even understand
Now I face what lies ahead of me
My future
Forward
Knowing that I don’t have to be alone
But at the same time remembering we’ve lost you along the way
What I am living for is the future
I’m living because you can’t
Alone
I sit thinking
If I could see you one more time
What would I say
I’m writing the lyrics to the new soundtrack of my life
But there’s one note missing
You

x

© 2009

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~ by originalapplejunkie on January 19, 2012.

2 Responses to “Day Nineteen..#Alone”

  1. Grief is a very personal emotio, for each us it is different because the way we cope is individual to us. it seems you have been through a dark place but have emerged on the otherside. we never accept what has happened we only learn to live with it. but I always remember the good things we shared and it always makes me smile, so I am never really alone.

    • I completely agree.
      Grief affects so many people every day..and I think how we choose to cope..if and when we move on *because some don’t* helps shape us as people.
      I’m okay writing about it, and I have only physically spoken about it 3 times..it’s not that I don’t want to..but I found I don’t have to..writing for me is the ultimate release..and if or when I choose to speak about it again..I’ll be okay 🙂
      But you’re right..I’ve come out on the other side and always remember the good times..haven’t felt alone for the longest while 🙂

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